Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Oh, Kong.

[Warning: Here there be spoilers. Arrg!]

I’m sure there’s some sort of obvious comparison I can make between Peter Jackson and an 800-pound gorilla, but I won’t. But seriously? Dude has got to get an editing buddy or something, cause that shit was way… too… long. And I’m not some sort of wimp who can’t sit still; my butt didn’t even get numb. It was just too much, what with the five minute long reaction shots, the dinosaur stampede that lasted a million billion hours, and, oh my god, the TON of exposition in the beginning! We get it! It’s the depression and they are all trying to get money to buy food to eat. Get. On. The. Boat!!

Now I understand that coming off Lord of the Rings, Jackson is fully licensed to make huge epics. That does not mean that every single movie he makes has to be three bajillion hours long; Kevin Costner tried that crap, and it got old. Fast. Don’t get me wrong; Kong is a pretty movie, the effects were well done, and I did find myself, at times, totally caught up in the story. And then the scene would go on for too long, and my mind would start wandering. There were just so many plot holes.

Now, I’m not looking for realism (this is King Kong, after all) but, when a sign on a theater pointedly says SOLD OUT, and a character goes running in without a ticket and does not have an usher attached to his leg? That is crap. Ten guys + rowboat = somehow loading Kong onto their tiny ship? Bitch, please. It’s not like they came in a whaler expecting to haul back a giant monkey (yes, primate, whatever, shut up). They didn’t even have room for one extra passenger; Adrian Brody got stuck on board and had to sleep in the cargo hold. The tiny cargo hold. I could go on and on and on.

And don’t get me started on Jimmy. The anemic B-plot was a mentor relationship between two of the ship’s crew; some older guy, and a kid on the ship named Jimmy. We’re supposed to feel bad for Jimmy, cause he stowed away on the ship as a kid with a broken arm. Poor Jimmy. Jimmy is reading a book, Jimmy should make something of himself one day, blah blah blah. So we’re supposed to worry about Jimmy running around the island, tons of nameless crew members die, Jimmy survives, and then we never ever see Jimmy again for the rest of the movie, period, end of the Jimmy story. My question: why the hell did we have Jimmy? All that time we wasted on Jimmy I could have spent not being bored, which is time well spent.

I know it’s hard to tell from the ranting, but I did not hate this movie, I liked it. It was good. But it could have been great, which makes me a little sad. Note to Jackson: Love you, your work is good, but if you make another movie that is way longer than the source material requires, I will personally haul ass to the WETA Workshop™ and kick yours. Love, Shannon.